(Written for the Yeshivah Shule Pesach Magazine 2019)

I’m about to share with you something that women don’t usually do.  My age! I am turning 50 this year.

I’m sensing a mixed reaction.  For those of you who have known me either my whole/most of my life and recall my childhood antics, my turning 50 may seem unbelievable and is a stark reminder of your own aging.  Sorry ☹  Of-course, there are those of you who think I look 35 and would never have put me at (almost) 50.  Thank you 😊

I have never really had an issue with aging and it doesn’t bother me (yet) that I am getting older.  For many years I have felt that my 50’s would be the stage of life where I would have a better understanding of my life; a peaceful acceptance of my journey to date and an insight to its purpose moving forward.

Every decade of my adult life has been a milestone of something significant.  I married at 20, divorced at 30, made a significant health-related decision at 40 and now, turning 50, am contemplating how I am going to mark this decade.

Each point has been a trigger for me to look inside myself and do a reconciliation of my life.  Always asking the question of how I got to be in the situation I am at that point.  Was my life supposed to turn out that way?  Now what?  I don’t have too many regrets about my life but I just want to understand why/how I am where I am.

The first time I was conscious of doing this was when I was 30.  I came to an understanding of how I found myself to be where I was, accepted it and looked forward to moving on with my life.  I was happy and confident that I had the opportunity to go through the ‘reconciliation’ process and was so sure that I had my ‘stuff’ together.  I had always thought that by the time one gets to their 50’s/60’s they have a good idea of who and what they are, are comfortable in their own skin and have a certain confidence.  I was glad that I was ahead of schedule.  All done, dusted and sorted by 30.  How wrong I have proven to be!

So now turning 50, I find myself needing to go through this process again.  As I do, though, I’m not going from 30 to 50.  It seems that I have gone back to the beginning and am doing 0 to 50 but on a much deeper level.  It’s been confronting and disturbing but at the same time, I am finding out things about myself and others that I wasn’t previously consciously aware, noting them, addressing them and accepting them.  In fact, it’s actually been liberating.  As I do this, I realise that I am on a solo journey.  I can’t bring anyone else on the ride with me and I am the passenger, driver, tour-guide and destination.  That doesn’t mean that there’s no room for other people in my life.  It just means that I can’t expect to blame or coerce others into action for me to move on with my life in a healthy and constructive way.  There’s plenty of room for the right people who add value to my life and help me be a better person.

I find that there are countless similarities between what I have experienced and the story of Pesach.  Let’s discuss a few.

Cleaning out the closet

As we approach Pesach we spend time cleaning out and changing over our homes.  Some people start as early as immediately after Purim, if not before, and clean in parts of the house that haven’t seen light in years.  They go to depths in their cleaning that is beyond what’s required for Pesach but, they are on a mission and, of course, it makes a good social-media post.

Our minds and souls are somewhat like closets.  What has been hiding in the depths of our unconscious that need to be addressed, brought out to light and cleansed for us to heal as individuals and go about our lives in a more meaningful way?

Chametz u Matza

Chassidic philosophy explains that Chametz symbolises the egotistical and arrogant personality within us. The way in which bread rises reflects the over-inflated ego whereas Matza symbolises modesty.

In order for us to be on our personal journey we need to leave the ego behind.  When we are driven by our ego we are not open to genuine feedback, we justify our actions and we look to hold others accountable for the bad choices we have made.

A healthy self-esteem is necessary to be a contributing, functional member of society and, combined with modesty – an appreciation and graciousness of the good that one does have – one will be on a genuine journey to fulfillment.

The 4 sons plus the 5^th who doesn’t even come to the Seder

Our personal journeys are life-long with many stops along the way.  We are very busy these days with competing interests of family, relationships, work, health etc and our approach at different times resemble that of the sons of Pesach.

1. The Wise Son – The person who is aware that he needs to do something about his situation and acts to do so and works on himself.
2. The Wicked Son – He is also aware but wants to hold onto anger, resentment, bitterness and blame. In doing so he aims to destroy others and doesn’t realise that he is also destroying himself.
3. The Simple Son – The unhappy person that let’s others take advantage of them because they want to keep the peace.
4. The one that doesn’t ask – The person that knows that something isn’t quite right but doesn’t know where or how to ask for help.
5. The person who makes no effort to work on themselves at all.

I can honestly say that I have been all these sons at some point.

The Plagues

Pharaoh believed that he could retain the Jews in Egypt.  Plague after plague he chose to ignore the warning signs.  Even when the last plague of the Makot Bechorot was inflicted, he remained in denial that there was a Being greater than he.  His arrogance led to him to chasing Bnei Yisrael into the river and he paid the ultimate price.  Thank G-d, Bnei Yisrael managed to escape and embark on their journey to freedom.

Holding onto something that has a negative impact in our lives can literally make a person unwell.  I have an issue with acknowledging stress in my life.  I try to mind-over-matter issues out of my life and sometimes go into denial as a means of coping.   This usually back-fires and I have literally become physically sick as my body sends me strong messages that force me to stop and acknowledge that I must address different matters.  I have tried to ignore the warning signs and been brought to an abrupt stop.

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Kriyat Yam Suf

When the Jews reached the Sea they were being persecuted by the Egyptia­­ns and were divided into what next steps to take.  Either give up, return, pray or fight.   In this instance, none of those options were going to result in the survival of the Jews and where even defeatist in their approach.  Moshe rejected those options and encouraged the Jews not to be fearful, lifted his staff, stretched out his hands and began the process of the Splitting of the Sea.

However, it was not until Nachshon ben Aminadav took the first leap of faith out of his comfort zone and jumped into the waves until he was almost swept away that the Splitting of the Sea occurred.  Nachshon’s actions, not necessarily the most popular one, was one that ultimately led to the survival of the Jews after which, earned him the reward of the eternal kingdom of Israel and his tribe, Yehudah, meriting to producing the Moshiach.

Are there times in our lives where we reach our own Kriyat Yam Suf?  Where a decision may need to be made but we don’t want to make it?  It’s easier to let someone else make that decision because if it turns out to be wrong, we can then blame someone else.  Outsourcing responsibility is so much easier than being a leader. We may have to move out of our comfort zone and we might not gain popularity with our decision but what if it’s the right thing to do for the greater good of the relationship, family, business or workplace?   Are you waiting for someone else to take the first step or make the first move?   Most of the fears we harbour are perceived.   Imagine the reward of overcoming our fears, taking responsibility and being true leaders for those we can positively influence.

Yetziat Mitzrayim

We all have our personal ‘mitzrayims’ and need to take the first step to get out of the constant spin cycle.  Whilst many people use the secular new year or Rosh Hashanah as a time to make resolutions, I find that Pesach is a great goal-setting date.

As the years go by and we celebrate one Pesach after another, what makes this Pesach different to any other Pesach?  Achieving a milestone by Pesach makes the story of Yetziat Mitzrayim more personal and relatable.  We can sit at the Seder reading the Haggadah and the story has a deeper meaning as we reflect and draw comparisons to our personal journeys and achievements.

In Judaism 50 is considered the number of transcendence.   The delivery of the Jews from Egypt resembles the beginning of the first major transcendence of an enslaved people to its existence as a united nation.

The Jews counted 7 weeks of 7 days after which day 50 automatically arrived and, on that day, they received the Torah and transcended their worldly existence to become one with G-d; like a single person with a single heart.  This is symbolised in the Torah by the word Torah being mentioned 50 times in its singular form.

So, having lived 7 lots of 7 years and arriving at my 50^th year, I am supposed to have achieved some level of transcendence.  Whilst the true reference of transcendence refers to Man’s ultimate level of completing the requisite stages to becoming one with G-d, I hope that we all can approach this Peasch with a goal of continued transcendence to become the best version of ourselves; improve our relationship with each other and with G-d and hope that this is the last Pesach that we’ll be cleaning out our closets.

 

November 1 marks the beginning of Nospendervember.

This is an annual holiday that lasts the full month of November.  It was created by myself approximately 15 years ago when I decided that the month of November had no significant milestones that required me to spend money on anything non-essential.

No new wardrobes for Jewish Holidays or change of seasons.  Not the right time of the year for growth spurts. No new uniforms.  No camps.  No new sport activities. No new sneakers.  No haircuts. No Nothing!  I found that November was the month that I could stick to a budget and there was nothing that I needed to spend on aside from what we actually needed.

I felt a little sorry for November.  It was a lonely month with no significance (Cup Day is not significant) and, in my pity, I made up a special name to cheer up this sad, lonely month.  ‘Nospendervember’!

Nospendervember, can be pronounced with an Italian or Spanish accent and in Irish it translates to ‘Let us take vengeance’.  That’s right.  Let us take vengeance on all you Saboteurs (as Jenny Craig would say) who attempt to make us want to spend money (Jenny would say make us eat) on unnecessary and useless things that we can live without.

I would gather the family together on November 1 and read a proclamation.  We would all pledge our commitment to the month and be on our merry way.  If, during the month, one of the kids accidentally forgot and asked for something non-essential, I would turn to them, lips pursed, eyes slightly squinted and hold up my right hand with my finger tips gathered to my thumb and in my finest Italian accent slowly say with disgust, “No-spender-vember”.  Nothing else needed to be said.  This holiday was sacred.

November is a great month to take on extra-ordinary commitments and test your resolve when it comes to all sorts of things, not just spending money.  It’s the month to say I can and not I can’t.  Before end of year holidays and activities sneak in to derail us, take some affirmative action and prove to yourself that what you dump in the too hard basket is really achievable.

Last November I lost 5kgs sticking to the Whole 30 food plan.  I had previously never stuck to a food plan for even a day but I was determined and there was nothing in November to turn me off.  This November I will be taking on some studies I’ve deferred all year which will be the opening of a door to some great career opportunities.

My kids are all grown and mostly out of the house but to this day, Nospenderevember is still relevant and current.   Anything I need in my home can wait until another month and I’m so glad that I have a great excuse not to shop, something I hate doing anyway.

Having said that, I confess that I snuck in the purchase of a pair of ankle boots spontaneously today however, they were half price and I’m being organised for next winter!

 

Today is one of the proudest days of my life.  As I write this, my middle daughter, Hadassah, is on a Nefesh B’Nefesh flight from NY on her way to Israel making Aliyah.

I didn’t raise my children to make Aliyah their goal however, when your children attend a Jewish day school, are involved in Jewish youth movements, spend a gap year in Israel then dedicate the following 2 years to leadership in a Zionist youth movement (Bnei Akiva) and do 2 university exchanges and an internship in Israel then it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise when they announce to the family that they are permanently moving to Israel.

Many people have been very supportive of her move yet there have been equally as many people asking me how I feel about my daughter making Aliyah like I’m losing something.  There’s a tone of sympathy and pity in their voice.    I don’t see her moving as a loss and I find that attitude incredibly selfish and almost offensive.

It’s selfish because we Jews living in the Diaspora have another place in the world that we can move to virtually anytime we choose.  Our friends and relatives living in Israel don’t necessarily have the same choice, as don’t most people in the world, yet it’s the children already living in Israel that definitely don’t have a choice about having to defend OUR country so that we can exercise that choice when we want; and they do it with such pride.

Hadassah’s aliyah is huge achievement which deserves to be celebrated.  It’s an achievement on so many levels that I can’t be anything but proud.  Sure, I’ll miss her from time to time and it’s not the same when the family gets together and she’s missing but having your middle child live away from home also comes with benefits ;  (I can hear the Bubbas out there saying “wait until you have grandchildren”)

I have often said, and still do say, that certain things my kids have wanted or have done are not on my job description as ‘Mother’.  Providing them with shelter, a healthy home environment and a sense of confidence is on the JD but trips with friends, parties after a certain age, petrol and a host of other things do not fall on the mum-has-to-give-it-to-us-on-a-silver-platter list.  Tough love and frequent use of the word ‘No’ was my preferred parenting style.

When the kids were little and they’d start to ask a question and say Muh-um (whinge), I’d just say ‘No”.  They’d say, “but we haven’t asked the question yet”.  I’d respond, “I can tell by the way you said Mum that it’s a question where the answer is going to be No so I’m just saving time”.  “That’s not fair”.  “Alright, ask the question”.  “Mum, can we ……..”  “No, see I told you!”

I also used to say that by 25, married or not, I want you out.   “So you want us to pay dead money on rent”.  “Yep”.  “But you’re a financial adviser, that doesn’t make sense.  Wouldn’t you want us to save?”   Ha, it’s actually being an adviser that has allowed me to see that people who take responsibility with dead money (as opposed to dead people’s money) are also the ones that learn how to build good wealth for themselves over time.  But, I’m not just thinking of the money.  I’m thinking about all the life lessons you learn by taking responsibility, being independent and learning how to navigate life with a sense of confidence and resilience.  Sure, I’ll support my kids along the way a bit here and there but if they want something for themselves they have to find a way to make it happen.  I believe that it’s generally limiting or takes longer to adjust to adulthood the longer you are living at home.

So back to Hadassah, (who’s going to kill me for drawing attention to her – Sorry)  She made a decision and she followed through with it.  She set herself a goal with a time frame.  She was proactive, organised and committed.  She has worked, saved and navigated the bureaucracy to end up landing in Israel in a few hours with the status of being a new Oleh.  I didn’t do anything except throw her a party and I didn’t even do that myself.

She’s on a flight with 200 other people and doesn’t know a single person except that their souls are forever connected by undertaking this massive milestone together.

So today marks a significant milestone in Hadassah’s life and in my life as a parent.  My children are starting to leave home and I couldn’t be happier for them and happy for myself that I have reached this milestone.  I don’t want to relive my life through my kids’.  I want them to live their lives because I’m still not finished living my own.

The next stage of our lives present so many exciting adventures and I can’t wait to share them with all my children where ever we are in the world.  And let me add that I have reason to be very proud of the others, too.

Hadassah’s Aliyah has given me the opportunity to give Israel the greatest gift that I can do for her; greater than any financial donation.  Eretz Yisrael, I gift you one of my most beloved treasures.  I gift you a part of me, a part of all of Hadassah’s friends and family that she leaves behind in Australia that can’t yet be there.  I gift you her future contributions to Israeli life and society, her successes and simchas and, although she may have some challenging times ahead, I remain forever hopeful that in Israel she will always be happy, live a fulfilling life with purpose and remain safe, together with all our brothers and sister.

יְהֹוָה יִשְׁמָרְךָ מִכָּל רָע יִשְׁמֹר אֶת נַפְשֶׁךָ:  יְהֹוָה יִשְׁמָר צֵאתְךָ וּבוֹאֶךָ מֵעַתָּה וְעַד עוֹלָם:

The Lord will guard you from all evil; He will guard your soul.

The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from now and to eternity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my previous blog I talked about how I find shule (synagogue) a meditative experience.

Well after many years of staring down toward the Aron Kodesh (Holy Ark), I realised that the writing was literally on the wall.

Da Lifnei Mi Atah Omed – Know before whom you stand.

Although that expression serves as a reminder for people to remember that they are standing in G-d’s presence and should act accordingly, I have found myself borrowing it in many conversations I have had in the context of managing expectations.  Know who/what you’re dealing with.

The first time I became conscious of the expression ‘managing expectations’ was when I started my business, Perspective .  I needed to learn the importance of managing clients’ expectations when explaining to clients what we do for them and the outcomes they can achieve. We have to manage our own expectations when we rely on services from other people or organisations, particularly when we are dependent on them to support the services we provide and where our reputation is at stake.

However, what about managing our expectations when it comes to all sorts of other people that we interact with, not necessarily in a business context?  Our friends, our partners, our kids?  The public? And, what about the expectations we place on ourselves?

There have been many times over the years where I have felt disappointed or become annoyed about something.  When I actually stopped and analysed what it was that really made me so mad it wasn’t anyone else’s fault.  It was usually my own.  I set unrealistic or unfair expectations on others.  I allowed myself to  believe that others would do what I needed when I needed them to do it or I tried to be superwoman where even she’d have found the mission impossible.

There were many occasions where I’d come home on a Friday afternoon after a full working week and think that I’d walk into a house that looked/felt like Shabbos was imminent only to find the kitchen the way it was left that morning.  As if 3 teenage girls were thinking of cleaning the kitchen after school when they had to co-ordinate showers and hair straightening.  Yes, they gladly would have helped had I  asked them, but somehow I got distracted and forgot to tell them.  Didn’t they see the rubbish bins on the street after collection and think to bring them in?  Actually no.  Seemed obvious to me but they clearly didn’t see what I saw or, more importantly, what I wanted them to see.

Then there’s all the times I said Yes when I should have said No and how that impacted and stretched my capacity.  Something had to give and it’s usually the most important people or things in our lives that have to bear the consequence.

What about all those occasions when I’ve found myself questioning what the logic was behind a certain action or why someone reacted in a particular way in a situation.  Egomaniacs. Utility companies. Pretentious people and, my personal favourite – Morons.

I just remind myself, Esther, Da Lifnei Mi Ata Omed!  Know who you’re dealing with!  Instantly, whatever anger, impatience or cynicism I am feeling starts to dissipate and rather than be fixated on the issue at hand, I learn to let it go. It’s usually not worth it.

We see the world through our own eyes and expect others to see the world the same way. We all have different values and prioritise what’s important to us as individuals and find it hard to understand when other just don’t get it; even the people we love, know well and we expect, know us.

I’m very much a believer of live and let live so – a word of warning – if you’re going to have expectations of me without any discussion, you better know in front of who you’re standing  😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This may come as a huge surprise to many people but I’ve become a Shule Shoosher.

As a young child I was never in shule (synagogue) long enough to be shooshed because, after doing the rounds from the lolly and pretzel men, followed by the obligatory ‘good-shabbos’ to the rabbi and senior family members, there were too many adventures waiting for us in the backyard, empty classrooms and the old bomb shelter.

As I grew older and stayed in shule longer I was often singled out by the then-shoosher which caused much embarrassment to my good friend since it was her grandmother and she knew that there was more rebuke coming for her later.

But I couldn’t help myself. All my teachers can attest. “Esther is easily distracted and fidgets”, “Esther is very sociable”, “If only Esther would focus”.

It never occurred to me that my interrupting the people around me was denying and depriving them their need to use tefillah (prayer) as a means to address important needs in their lives.

As an adult who is still easily distracted and very sociable, I have learnt to appreciate a number of things about my attendance at shule but specifically, the quiet time that shule affords me.

Attending shule resembles many things for me. I believe that all Jewish people should feel connected to a shule – a spiritual home away from home. I love that I can walk into shule and am immediately comforted by the familiarity of the service. Some people find this boring. Same songs, same words week in and week out (daily for many people), but, for a long time, I have looked forward to going to a place where I know exactly what’s going to be said and sung and when. There’s something secure and safe about an unchanging routine. I should probably now admit that I am a regular at a few shules which does introduce some additional variety into the routine but also helps me deal with something my teachers didn’t know; I have commitment issues.

I find shule somewhat meditative. We all know the therapeutic effects of meditation but I struggle with putting time aside early each day to sit still and actually meditate. Shule is the perfect meditation solution for someone like me. It provides me with a place to think and reflect without the usual distractions of my day and week. I can lose myself deep in thought whilst contemplating my feelings which I didn’t have time to do while I was busy at work or attending to other commitments during the week. The variety of standing and sitting, singing aloud and praying quietly, listening to the sermon and the chazzan (cantor) allows a fidgeter like me to fully immerse myself without feeling restless or bored.

After the service, the Kiddush (hard to translate – a kind of get together after services with a pre-meal snack which must involve herring) and hanging around gives me a release to connect with people, talk, catch up and laugh before we all disperse to our respective meals. It’s great balance of quiet time and social time.

It’s not uncommon when people are experiencing difficulties in their lives that they reconnect with shule. Whether it’s an illness in the family, a personal matter or other challenge, people will make their way back to shule to seek solace, make requests or express thanks. There are the people who attend shule to recite the Kaddish (prayer for the deceased) over the loss of a loved one and other people rely on shule for their only interaction with other people. Sad but true. Not everyone has a family or one that lives near them.

With peoples’ reason for going to shule being so personal and not necessarily obvious, we need to be much more respectful to other shule-goers and make an effort to keep quiet and not intrude on their experience; for some a life-line.

We all know that most shules struggle with talking. Whether it’s the regular attendees or the 3 times a year shule-goer, the talking can be heard so loudly across the shule that the chazzan (person leading the services) needs to stop the service until order and silence is established. It’s certainly not showing any respect for someone who trains for hours and undertakes an enormous commitment to provide you with a meaningful and enjoyable service.

So I had a couple of ideas to help keep the talking down and would love to hear what you think.

1. Print cards with tactful messages on them that can discreetly be given to offenders letting them know that their talking is probably a little louder than they realise. (Perhaps in yellow and red)
2. Appoint a few strategically placed noise monitors who, when they identify repeat offenders, put on a giant foam hand with the index finger pointed, with the message ‘SHUT THE ‘F’ UP’ on it and point it across the shule at the individual(s).

I did mention both these ideas to a few rabbis and, though they thought it had some merit, rejected them.

Anyway, you get the message. Please be mindful and respect what shule resembles to others and, if you must talk, a whisper is greatly appreciated over your out-door voice.

As we approach the chaggim, everyone’s prayers should be heard and answered and the year ahead filled with happiness and blessings.

I’m supposed to write a whole article to respond to this question when my answer is one word?  Everything!

‘Everything’ is something that you would expect to come from me.   As an independent, single mother, I am solely responsible for my family’s finances and, as the business owner of a financial advice practice, I spend most of my day helping other people put some structure around their financial well-being.

In addition, ever since I was young, finance appealed to me though I did grow up believing that it was a predominantly male domain.

I am very aware that not everyone shares the same passion about money as I do.  I’m sure we equally love spending money but how often do you take a good, hard look at your financial reality?

You might think you know your financial reality if there never seems to be enough but, unless you make a point of focusing on every aspect of your finances at least once a year, you’ll never truly understand your financial situation?  Do you know what your financial future will look like, irrespective of any unforeseen circumstances arising?

Before answering, it’s important to acknowledge that the way we interact with our finances is a result of our attitude and the emotions toward it.

If you ask someone what money means to them you will get a variety of answers.  Many answers will start off with tangible reasons such as the desire to buy something nice for themselves, seeing the world, helping the kids or even giving it away, but when we look deeper into what it is that makes people really want to have money, the emotional reasons surface.

Money can be a way to achieve a sense of belonging, power and respect.  For others, money symbolises control, weakness, worry, guilt, success, security and peace of mind.

Looking deeper, still, what meaning did money have in your family and how did that shape your attitude today?  How does your husband’s attitude to money influence you and what influence did his parents have on his attitude?  Ok, this is getting heavy.  Back to the answer.

With all the emotional baggage surrounding money it can be tempting to focus on the fun bit and let someone else deal with the responsible part.

As wives and mothers our work is so overwhelming.  It is widely accepted that it would take three people to replace the work done by one mother.  In addition to working in the home/family many of us are also involved in paid work too.  We balance our work with family time and often feel there’s nothing left in the tank to focus on the finances, beyond perhaps immediate needs like making sure the bills are paid.  We can fall into the trap of not having a complete picture of the family finances. After a long day it can be tempting to leave money matters to our partner?

There are two reasons for this being wrong.  Firstly, when it comes to finances in a relationship a team approach is critical.   Think about a team sport.  Each player has their position and knows the boundaries within which they have to play.  They know their strengths and find the opponents weakness and through training they devise ways in which they can improve their skills and become successful.  In the training session the coach will bring the team together and they will discuss the overall goals of the team with every single player being completely aware of the strategy, the equipment and the role of the other team member. Each position is equally important to the overall success of the team.

Family finances should be viewed the same way.  The only opponents to your finances are death, disability, living longer than your finances last and your own behaviour.  Your husband/wife/partner should not be viewed as your opponent but rather, an important person on your financial team.  Time needs to be set aside to review the strategy, identify each person’s role, understand what you have, what you need and where it will come from should you need to defend against your opponents.

This brings me to the second reason.  Every marriage ends.  Yep, that’s right. Every marriage ends.  If not through divorce, then death. When people are in the midst of a highly confronting and emotional situation they generally don’t have the ability to deal with financial issues but that’s when they typically want clarity and reassurance.   It’s important to have a thorough understanding of your family’s financial position now – trying to do this during an emotional time can be very challenging.

Many women have told me that when they have asked their husbands about the finances they have either been told not to worry and that everything’s OK or are made to feel they are questioning their husband’s ability.

You understand the person you are living with better than anyone else and will know the best way to communicate in a non-threatening way the reasons why you want a clearer picture of your financial position.  If you have never been involved, and in your relationship you’ve always signed where you’re told, it’s going to be difficult when you start asking questions and it’s quite possible your husband will be surprised, offended and even defensive.  But on the whole, I expect many husbands would welcome having meaningful and positive conversations about family finances.  In particular, it would be very reassuring for them to know that their wives are empowered with information should something happen to them.

We need to take responsibility so that we can be contributing members of our community and society and be good roles models to the children whose lives we influence.  I challenge you to have the difficult conversations because they are likely to be rewarding and you will be on your way to becoming a financially winning team.

Esther Althaus, Financial Adviser, Perspective Financial Services Pty Ltd

Contact Esther for a confidential consultation.

Email: contactus@perspectivefs.com.au

Esther Althaus of Perspective Financial Services Pty Ltd is an Authorised Representative of AMP Financial Planning Pty Ltd, ABN 89 051 208 327, AFS Licence No. 232706.

Any advice given is general only and has not taken into account your objectives, financial situation or needs.  Because of this, before acting on any advice, you should consult a financial planner to consider how appropriate the advice is to your objectives, financial situation and needs.

Each year thousands of women find themselves in situations where they have to suddenly transition to managing their finances on their own.

Whether it’s due to divorce or the death of a spouse, the adjustment to living on your own and being responsible for every decision in the household can be quite frightening and overwhelming. In particular, when it comes to money, the worries are even greater.

Many questions can run through your head from, “Will I have enough to live on?”, “Will I have to go to work?” and “How do I know where to invest my money?” to, in some cases, “How do I even pay a bill?”.

It might sound crazy that in this day and age there are still people who don’t know how to pay bills, but with life being so busy and demanding it’s very easy to let someone else manage the finances.

Women in this situation represent a cross section of the community. They are wives of successful businessmen, educated women with high achieving jobs, women brought up in affluent families and stay-at-home-mums. Now, before we start judging these women, you could say that it’s quite efficient having each partner of a couple responsible for their role and ‘position on the team’. The home seems to run smoother when everyone is doing their thing.

Where the issue begins is when you no longer have you team-mate by your side and you are left doing your thing and theirs.

When a divorce settlement is imminent or the family wealth is left to the surviving spouse, making decisions independently can be very intimidating and lonely. Decisions often need to be made at a highly emotional and vulnerable time and this is when it’s critical that there is support.

It’s important to make these decisions wisely. Women on average live longer than men, have lower salaries and accumulate less superannuation due to time out of the workforce to raise children. It’s crucial that women make sure their finances are will manages, so they can live a comfortable life now and later down the track when they stop working.

Getting good quality advice is important. This doesn’t mean advice from a well-meaning friend or a hot financial tip from a colleague. A qualified financial adviser can work with people to help them manage their finances and set them on the right track after life events like divorce, or even worse, the death of a loved one.

I have seen, too many times, women being taken advantage of by, what I call predators. You know, the young boyfriend with the great business idea, the best friend who thinks you deserve the trip of a lifetime and you just can’t go on your own, unscrupulous people who call themselves professionals and sadly, even the children.

There is no need to be alone and certainly there should be no guilt for any past lack of involvement. We can’t be great at everything and we don’t have to be. We just need to be smart.

Below are some tips on how to be smart when you find yourself alone with money:

1. Take your time. Don’t make any decisions until you completely understand your financial position.
2. Educate yourself. Start learning slowly how to do basic tasks and gradually build from there
3. Seek advice. Find a professional who understands you. This is your time and you need to be surrounded by people who can help you navigate through this difficult time.

Moving Forward is a process. There are many adjustments to life after a divorce or death of a spouse and it takes time to transition and heal. We may not have as much time as we need to address some issues but when it comes to your money, it’s important to remember that whatever you have may need to last you for a very long time.

 

Esther Althaus is an Authorised Representative of AMP Financial Planning Pty Ltd, ABN 89 051 208 327, AFS Licence No, 232706.

Any advice given is general only and has not taken into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Because of this, before acting on any advice, you should consult a financial planner to consider how appropriate the advice is to your objectives, financial situation and needs.